Two important points about open adoption:
1) Where "open" adoption is concerned, I'd like you to read sonofasurrogate's blog about a male adoptee friend of his...and the reaction this friend had when his real mother - whom he had known all along - had a baby.
"I innocently asked, "So J, whaddya think of Connor? Isn't he an absolute doll?" The dam burst, the levy broke and the floodgate blew apart at that moment. J, sobbing the hardest I have ever seen anyone do, flung himself across my lap, clutched my knees, and wept into my stoneblast Levis. "WHY DIDN'T SHE KEEP ME?! WHY DIDN'T SHE WANT ME?!" he wailed. Over and over he repeated these two things until the dam broke inside myself. "
and, further down the page:
"So John and Paul were wrong and Aretha was right. Love isn't all you need. You need respect, too. And respect is something I never got. Neither did Jason. The first disrespect came when you took us from our mothers and you gave us a substitute. AS IF we had no feelings. AS IF we wouldn't notice."
2) Some people say with adoption the natural mother's loss is the same as the infertile adoptive person's loss. (The mother loses her child; the adoptive person could not have their own child or lost their own child in infancy. )
But it's not the same.
- A natural death/infertility is not the same as having your offspring taken because someone else wants to buy or "get" him.
- The natural mother goes through the experience of having her own offspring put into a position of powerlessness, treated like a "bastard" and disrespected.
- The natural mother may later discover that her offspring is suffering, feeling abandoned and "unwanted" by the person who was most supposed to be there for him. That when she was advised to "sacrifice" herself for her baby, the reality was that society was really sacrificing both of them.
These points are true with open adoption as well as closed adoption. If you did not already read it, please read
Love Isn't All You Need
and when you get done with that read
The Open Adoption Experiment - which was also written by an adopted person in an "open" adoption.